suicide note

Dear Life

I tried, I lived and now I’m done.


To the future me, I am so sorry I couldn't make it that far. Life is hard and if I knew that it only gets worse, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be born. Or allowed the younger me, that used to cry herself to sleep every night with the hope that tomorrow will be better. She was only 5 and I let her grow up with so much potential and ambition for a better tomorrow. Just to break and fail. Only if I knew.

See I tried, future me, I tried. To take the world by a massive storm but I guess it crumbled on me and doomed I became…

I worked hard, I reached my goals and dreams but they all rejected me just as I was right in front of them. Imagine that huh, like a knife shaved in your heart. But guess what, I kept going and trying, and never giving up till this day….

So dear future me, life defeated me and it messed me up. It controlled my brain with depression and my thought with anxiety. It gave you all the crazy illnesses like, low blood pressure, anemia and conventional disorder(whatever that is). And it made you abnormal. It took away friends, family and lovers. It also took away loneliness and gave you an abusive manipulative being as the only person to rely on..

But non of that matters because everything is my fault. I shouldn't have been born, or be optimistic about the future. I shouldn't have lived till this far…

Time doesn't heal because in time the pain has build up.

And no matter what, the pills don't heal unless you overdose that way it numbs the pain and you can finally get a rest but when the morning come, you open your eyes and hell is all you can feel the whole day.

Pretending is a nightmare, it kills you inside slowly and breaks you apart at night when you finally alone.

Crying hurts…don't do it. But hey, tears will always fall whenever they want because your trauma has no switch. It comes whenever.

See, future me, it’s a challenge to live. What’s the point of being alive only to be tortured by nature? What’s the point of trying to reach you knowing that you’re probably in worst pain than I am. Believe me, tomorrow is never better. 23 years still waiting for it to be better.

Well, if you are better, then I am sorry. I hope you understand that I cant take this no more. I am literally breaking down every single day and I can’t help myself. No one can help me either. I need a break…

Selfish is what I am not because if I was, then I would allow future self to feel this pain. So taking my life right now means I am taking the pain away from my future self.


I hope you'll find it in your broken heart to forgive me. I tried and I lived and now I’m done.


Love,

Broken present self


©Kitty Minaj

2 thoughts on “Dear Life

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