The wind blew in full force
But it couldn’t chase away the storm
I battled the rain all day and night
For it couldn’t wash away the trauma
I fought the thunder so hard
For it couldn’t strike away the struggles
I let the lighting in my darkness
But it couldn’t clear my broken path
I let the ground swallow me
But it couldn’t bury my worthless soul
For I am natural disaster.
I woke up
Fuck I'm still alive...
For a moment I wasn't breathing until I open my eyes
Head feels like it's been stump by a truck
Mind feels like it had fireworks inside
Body so numb and yet so shakey
Couldn't stand, for my feet were wiggling
And had no balance, I was just light
Couldn't swallow a thing expect water and milk
My stomach was growling like a dying cow
My eyes were blurry and feeling weird
I just felt everything all at once, every pain
I wanted to cry but no tears came out
Like why am I still alive? LORD?
Oh how I wanted to die...
And for the 6th time, death denied me
Death denied again.
I tried, I lived and now I’m done.
To the future me, I am so sorry I couldn't make it that far. Life is hard and if I knew that it only gets worse, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be born. Or allowed the younger me, that used to cry herself to sleep every night with the hope that tomorrow will be better. She was only 5 and I let her grow up with so much potential and ambition for a better tomorrow. Just to break and fail. Only if I knew.
See I tried, future me, I tried. To take the world by a massive storm but I guess it crumbled on me and doomed I became…
I worked hard, I reached my goals and dreams but they all rejected me just as I was right in front of them. Imagine that huh, like a knife shaved in your heart. But guess what, I kept going and trying, and never giving up till this day….
So dear future me, life defeated me and it messed me up. It controlled my brain with depression and my thought with anxiety. It gave you all the crazy illnesses like, low blood pressure, anemia and conventional disorder(whatever that is). And it made you abnormal. It took away friends, family and lovers. It also took away loneliness and gave you an abusive manipulative being as the only person to rely on..
But non of that matters because everything is my fault. I shouldn't have been born, or be optimistic about the future. I shouldn't have lived till this far…
Time doesn't heal because in time the pain has build up.
And no matter what, the pills don't heal unless you overdose that way it numbs the pain and you can finally get a rest but when the morning come, you open your eyes and hell is all you can feel the whole day.
Pretending is a nightmare, it kills you inside slowly and breaks you apart at night when you finally alone.
Crying hurts…don't do it. But hey, tears will always fall whenever they want because your trauma has no switch. It comes whenever.
See, future me, it’s a challenge to live. What’s the point of being alive only to be tortured by nature? What’s the point of trying to reach you knowing that you’re probably in worst pain than I am. Believe me, tomorrow is never better. 23 years still waiting for it to be better.
Well, if you are better, then I am sorry. I hope you understand that I cant take this no more. I am literally breaking down every single day and I can’t help myself. No one can help me either. I need a break…
Selfish is what I am not because if I was, then I would allow future self to feel this pain. So taking my life right now means I am taking the pain away from my future self.
I hope you'll find it in your broken heart to forgive me. I tried and I lived and now I’m done.
Broken present self
I took a moment to breathe
So I locked myself in the house
To reflect and correct
I cried and overdosed
But no amount of tears,
Or amount of pills,
Could take away the pain
So I lay awake in the couch
Day in and day out with no food
Till I was smelling like a dead rat
But still death never came
And the misery never left
Alone in this life…
So why am I alive?
Breath November Breathe
As I try to open my eyes in the morning
With thoughts running like a waterfall
Each painful and hurting my brain
Wishing I could sleep again
Wishing I could sleep forever
As my heart start to beat so fast,
Why do I keep being alive?
It Hurts, it hurts...my heart hurts
Like a thousands knifes shaved in my heart
Causing my chest to burn so hot
And eyes to blur out with dizziness
As I start to choke, slowly
Where did the oxygen go??
Am I suppose to die
Oh, please can I die now...
But mom needs me, she'll be devastated
So breathe please breathe
I could feel the numbness tickle in my soul
Breath, Lydia, Breath
It's okay feel pain
And it's okay to feel death sometimes
So Breath, for your mom's happiness
Breathe November Help Me Breath
I'm tired of life but I need to be alive
Breath, help me Breathe November
Like little creatures crawling inside you
Causing discomfort and endless episodes
You want to sit down but you want to get up
Makes you feel like you're losing your mind
Why can't you make up your mind?
With every thought comes with the pain
With the pain, comes all the trauma
And suddenly,you slowing lose your breathe
Like needles been stuck to your nose,
As the tears burn your face
Feeling like your soul is been ripped out of you
You try to scream but no voice can come out
Helpless and hopeless you wait till it ends
In pain,you wait...
Wishing you could die, you wait...
You can't fight the darkness in you
So you wait...
Like a hot ball been shaved in your chest
You suddenly catch a breathe
Even thought the oxygen hurts, you let it in
Until, numb is all you can feel,
For you are broken
Ice Scream Pain Scream
My soul cried for ice cream
When pain filled my chest
Seems like I can’t get a rest
Ice scream Pain scream
My heart bleed for ice cream
Where do I go when I’m broken
All that is left is words that are unspoken
Ice scream Pain scream
My life pled for ice cream
For in these chains I can’t be free
Why can’t struggles let me be
Ice scream Pain Scream
My love broke for ice cream
When I finally decide to let go
Of all the traumas that hurt me so
Ice scream Pain scream
My scream bust for ice scream
Oh, help me I’m hopeless please
Ice cream heal my mental disease
Insidious I must be serious
For why dead never come, I am curious
Now attempting suicide is ridiculous
For life for me is hideous
It is full of pain not mysterious
When will I be free, I am furious
They tell me to be more religious
Being hurting for so long,God you not there it’s obvious
The feeling of loneliness is enormous
As I accept my faith like it’s delicious
Looking at everyone and feeling jealous
As they living their life that is precious
While I am depressed and anxious
Feeling dead but conscious
And the thought of tomorrow makes me nervous
So I lay awake and be Insidious
It’s like I was born with a broken heart.
Everything I touch shatters into pieces,
With every breath I take, I come apart,
Almost has if I wasn’t meant to live this life,
Like I am trapped in the worst matrix,
Even hell could be better than this,
For the walls keep caving in on me
And the cold keeps surrounding me.
A torture I could not bare but been receiving all my life
A package of unknown sicknesses
And drowning by the pills of all the diagnosis.
I can’t handle the pain of my tears,
Yet I still battle to understand my purpose,
Even when I am stranded alone in the dark
For hope is like love, not easy to let go
Therefore when my days gets darker
I keep holding on
For I know the moon lights the night for a reason
And someday I might find my moon
But I’ll keep holding on.
When the rain poured, it rained hard
Suddenly stuck is what you become
For it's hard to hear a soul when thunder strikes loud
And you can't feel nobody when darkness curve in
It's easier to feel alone when all hope is lost
But no matter how bad the rain is, it's also good
It wash away the pain, and fill you with faith
Faith that love is there but scared
It hides away waiting for the storm to fade
Waiting for the right moment to endure
Waiting for October to start raining,
We are loved and mostly by an unknown
Remember that when pain hit your soul
You are loved in this October.
Have Faith in love