Jan Whatever

Dear Me

Whatever, as the clock raced to midnight and midnight raised fireworks. I lay asleep when the world celebrates, blocking the sound of joy and laughter because for me it's just another year and a sound of misery.

Whatever, it's another year where i will learn not to have expectations and try to go with the flaw. And never question the pain in my soul and the bumpy ride of my journey. For life hasn't been easy and it seems like it'll never be easy. The tears refused to dry and wounds refused to heal, and it will forever hurt even when the sky clears the storm.

Whatever, Sweetie, you are strong and nothing can break you apart because you're already broken. I know its hard right now, it seems like you're losing who you're truly are day by day...yeah day by day...that's what you have to do. Take it day by day...and say whatever.

Whatever. When darkness come with so much pressure, look into your broken reflection and say whatever. Cry till you can finally breath then get up and move on.
Whatever because in this January, we don't have to worry. Just take it day by day with no expectation.

Just Whatever

©Kitty Minaj
Cruelty Of Not Knowing · Mental Health

December Fear

The beautiful morning air, choke
A lullaby from the colorful birds, stroke
The warmth of yesterday vanished
And the presence of today aches
As the fireworks of the season trembles
For the futures promises sorrow.
December came without an invite
It crumbled along side fear
Fear I can't let go, no matter what
For it is stuck onto my path
And I can't be freed from the horror of tomorrow...

©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health

Natural Disaster

The wind blew in full force
But it couldn’t chase away the storm
I battled the rain all day and night
For it couldn’t wash away the trauma
I fought the thunder so hard
For it couldn’t strike away the struggles
I let the lighting in my darkness
But it couldn’t clear my broken path
I let the ground swallow me
But it couldn’t bury my worthless soul
For I am natural disaster.

©Kitty Minaj

suicide note

F*ck, I’m Still Alive…

I woke up
Fuck I'm still alive...
For a moment I wasn't breathing until I open my eyes
Head feels like it's been stump by a truck
Mind feels like it had fireworks inside
Body so numb and yet so shakey
Couldn't stand, for my feet were wiggling
And had no balance, I was just light
Couldn't swallow a thing expect water and milk
My stomach was growling like a dying cow
My eyes were blurry and feeling weird
I just felt everything all at once, every pain
I wanted to cry but no tears came out
Like why am I still alive? LORD?
Oh how I wanted to die...
And for the 6th time, death denied me
Death denied again.

©Kitty Minaj
suicide note

Dear Life

I tried, I lived and now I’m done.

To the future me, I am so sorry I couldn't make it that far. Life is hard and if I knew that it only gets worse, I wouldn't have allowed myself to be born. Or allowed the younger me, that used to cry herself to sleep every night with the hope that tomorrow will be better. She was only 5 and I let her grow up with so much potential and ambition for a better tomorrow. Just to break and fail. Only if I knew.

See I tried, future me, I tried. To take the world by a massive storm but I guess it crumbled on me and doomed I became…

I worked hard, I reached my goals and dreams but they all rejected me just as I was right in front of them. Imagine that huh, like a knife shaved in your heart. But guess what, I kept going and trying, and never giving up till this day….

So dear future me, life defeated me and it messed me up. It controlled my brain with depression and my thought with anxiety. It gave you all the crazy illnesses like, low blood pressure, anemia and conventional disorder(whatever that is). And it made you abnormal. It took away friends, family and lovers. It also took away loneliness and gave you an abusive manipulative being as the only person to rely on..

But non of that matters because everything is my fault. I shouldn't have been born, or be optimistic about the future. I shouldn't have lived till this far…

Time doesn't heal because in time the pain has build up.

And no matter what, the pills don't heal unless you overdose that way it numbs the pain and you can finally get a rest but when the morning come, you open your eyes and hell is all you can feel the whole day.

Pretending is a nightmare, it kills you inside slowly and breaks you apart at night when you finally alone.

Crying hurts…don't do it. But hey, tears will always fall whenever they want because your trauma has no switch. It comes whenever.

See, future me, it’s a challenge to live. What’s the point of being alive only to be tortured by nature? What’s the point of trying to reach you knowing that you’re probably in worst pain than I am. Believe me, tomorrow is never better. 23 years still waiting for it to be better.

Well, if you are better, then I am sorry. I hope you understand that I cant take this no more. I am literally breaking down every single day and I can’t help myself. No one can help me either. I need a break…

Selfish is what I am not because if I was, then I would allow future self to feel this pain. So taking my life right now means I am taking the pain away from my future self.

I hope you'll find it in your broken heart to forgive me. I tried and I lived and now I’m done.


Broken present self

©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health · suicide note

Why Am I Alive?

I took a moment to breathe
So I locked myself in the house
To reflect and correct
I cried and overdosed
But no amount of tears,
Or amount of pills,
Could take away the pain
So I lay awake in the couch
Day in and day out with no food
Till I was smelling like a dead rat
But still death never came
And the misery never left
Alone in this life…
So why am I alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health · suicide note

Breath November Breathe

Breath November Breathe
As I try to open my eyes in the morning
With thoughts running like a waterfall
Each painful and hurting my brain
Wishing I could sleep again
Wishing I could sleep forever
As my heart start to beat so fast,
Why do I keep being alive?
It Hurts, it heart hurts
Like a thousands knifes shaved in my heart
Causing my chest to burn so hot
And eyes to blur out with dizziness
As I start to choke, slowly
Where did the oxygen go??
Am I suppose to die
Oh, please can I die now...
But mom needs me, she'll be devastated
So breathe please breathe
I could feel the numbness tickle in my soul
Breath, Lydia, Breath
It's okay feel pain
And it's okay to feel death sometimes
So Breath, for your mom's happiness
Breathe November Help Me Breath
I'm tired of life but I need to be alive
Breath, help me Breathe November

©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health · Writing


Like little creatures crawling inside you
Causing discomfort and endless episodes
You want to sit down but you want to get up
Makes you feel like you're losing your mind
Why can't you make up your mind?
With every thought comes with the pain
With the pain, comes all the trauma
And suddenly,you slowing lose your breathe
Like needles been stuck to your nose,
As the tears burn your face
Feeling like your soul is been ripped out of you
You try to scream but no voice can come out
Helpless and hopeless you wait till it ends
You wait...
In pain,you wait...
Wishing you could die, you wait...
You wait...
You can't fight the darkness in you
So you wait...

Like a hot ball been shaved in your chest
You suddenly catch a breathe
Even thought the oxygen hurts, you let it in
Until, numb is all you can feel,
For you are broken

©Kitty Minaj
Mental Health · Poetry

Ice Scream Pain Scream

Ice Scream Pain Scream
My soul cried for ice cream
When pain filled my chest
Seems like I can’t get a rest

Ice scream Pain scream
My heart bleed for ice cream
Where do I go when I’m broken
All that is left is words that are unspoken

Ice scream Pain scream
My life pled for ice cream
For in these chains I can’t be free
Why can’t struggles let me be

Ice scream Pain Scream
My love broke for ice cream
When I finally decide to let go
Of all the traumas that hurt me so

Ice scream Pain scream
My scream bust for ice scream
Oh, help me I’m hopeless please
Ice cream heal my mental disease

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health · Poetry


Insidious I must be serious
For why dead never come, I am curious
Now attempting suicide is ridiculous
For life for me is hideous
It is full of pain not mysterious
When will I be free, I am furious
They tell me to be more religious
Being hurting for so long,God you not there it’s obvious
The feeling of loneliness is enormous
As I accept my faith like it’s delicious
Looking at everyone and feeling jealous
As they living their life that is precious
While I am depressed and anxious
Feeling dead but conscious
And the thought of tomorrow makes me nervous
So I lay awake and be Insidious

©Kitty Minaj