I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Birthday Dilemma

Dear Birthday 
I can see the candles
But I am not ready to age
My life's been out of touch
A series of disappointments and pain
A movie of mental health struggles
A battle to live vs to die
A jungle of endless sorrows,
A birthday is a day for happiness
How can I be happy when my world's on fire
How do I pretend when trauma hurts,
And all my dreams haunts my reality
Who am I to be free
And who am I to be celebrated
I just don't want to see tomorrow
I am sorry Birthday
I am not ready to face another year of misery.

©Kitty Minaj

Alone In July

Alone in July
Oh,how I wish I could die
Wrapped my self in these blanket
For the cold of loneliness has occupied my space
It froze my bleeding heart
Causing it to hurt my chest,
Numb my body became
Yet my inside felt so much pain
Like a million needles inside,
Oh, how I wish I could scream
But what's the point when no one can hear?
For even the the demons are no where
My soul is not just broken but demolished
With no one to love, no one to care
Alone with this pain and wounds that won't heal
Surrounded by depression, trauma filled my aching head
Abandon by anxiety to migraine hell
A place of sickness and torture
Helpless as I realize I am truly alone
Dead I feel yet I am still breathing,
Alone in July

©Kitty Minaj


Migraine

Like a devil torturing my skull
With a hammer banging my left side
Feeling every pain run through my head
Causing the blurriness of my eyes
And the tasteless of my tongue
Enabled the feeling of vomiting
My face felt so numb
Yet the discomfort of my tears couldn’t be ignored
When my heart broke apart
Because of the sickness that’s always around
For a moment anxiety refused to let me be
And life’s unfairness put me to stress
And today I woke up with migraine
The most painful feeling of them all
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
For in that moment death is all you think of

©Kitty Minaj

Emptiness Warm My Heart

Emptiness warm my heart
Fill my soul with self-love
And a free-spirited vibe
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have been ripped apart
Tortured and abused by life
That’s why I am broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
Steal away the trauma in my brain
That enabled the smile to fade away
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
From the coldness of my mental illness
And the bitterness of hurtful pills
Refusing to restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
When I am filling the sea with tears
And screaming for help in the dark
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have suffered, it’s enough!
Plead me to freedom, I beg
To restore what’s broken inside

©Kitty Minaj

Falling Apart

I woke up with a smile
Even though I couldn’t breath
I managed to get up
When my chest was weighing on me
The bath tub filled up with tears
Because I couldn’t hold back the pain
The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me
Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul
When the mask trembled down
I couldn’t share a smile
For what lurks deep inside
Is breaking me apart
And knowing that I can’t fix it
Makes my whole life a misery
So I went back to sleep
And watch my days turned into nights
With no one asking if I am alright
Had to tell myself that it’s okay
Alone and depress I’ll always be
This is a life I was meant to live
But I can’t help falling apart

©Kitty Minaj

June Stress

Dear June,
I woke up with my head blocked out
And my eyes swollen from tears
My heart worn out from all the pain
Blood boiling cold numbing my skin
Enabling all the emotions back
The questions of 'what if?' But mostly 'why?'
Crumble deep inside my bones
With the fear of the future
Lurking in the depth of my spine
The pain of tomorrow being worse than today
Seemed to be the stress I always face,
But cannot seem to disappear in my vains
For time makes every situation complicated
And stress seem to only be multiple
As I begged for freedom
From thinking of all my pain
And June stress to just go away.

Stressed out
Lee

©Kitty Minaj

Writer’s Block Dilemma

I want to write again
For my chest is filled with sorrow
Burning and blocking my breathe
Yet this pen cannot express

I want to write again
All these emotions are hurting me
And the stress I cannot run away from
For this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When these thoughts fill my mind
And painful my brain becomes
When this pen cannot express

I want to write again
For my heart has had enough
And there is no one to hear me out
But this pen that cannot express

I want to write again
For this life is to much to bare
When you’re all alone with no purpose
As this pen cannot express

I want to write again
When anxiety tortures my soul
And depression consume my brain
While the pen refuse to relieve my pain

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj