I’ll Never Be Okay

I walk around with a wounded mind
Over-analyzing the smallest task
And sacrificing my purest heart
To a world of cruelest doom
Misunderstood by my own people
Broken by the one I love most
And hurt by life itself
Abandon by my greatest demons
Left alone with just pain and scars
The devil is no where to be found
When darkness filled my soul
Who can I be when I’m broken?
Where can I run when I’m alone?
How do I breath in the dark?
What happened to love being a savor?
Is love a lie?
Where hope is all lost
And no direction to move forward
Knowing I’ll never be okay
Do I accepting my faith
Or keep hurting?

©Kitty Minaj

I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

April Feel…

April feel
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances

April feel
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care

April feel
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare

April feel
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering

April feel
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.

©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

Prayer To The Demons

I wish I could die
Close my eyes
And lose my breathe.
I just want to die
Fall asleep,
And never wake up.
Drift away permanently
Fall in and not fall apart
I need to die
For life broke me apart
And you showed no love
Family hates me so much
Friends misunderstand me
Pills consumed my life
I feel so alone and lost
I am losing my sense and mind
For God has abandon me,
When I asked him, 'why!'
So I prayed to the demons
'Please let me, die!'

©Kitty Minaj

I Blamed Me

I blamed me
For ever being born
Without a purpose
And passion weighting on me

I blamed me
For my mother’s tears
And my father’s hatreds
Including my lovers lack of love

I blamed me
For all the nights I cried
For the pain in my heart
Wishing I could die

I blamed me
For being unhappy
For who I was born to be
And the struggles of my life

I blamed me
For all that I am
And what I fail to be
But all that I have became

I blamed me
Because I am me
I refused to be anybody
But broken Lee.

©Kitty Minaj

It Hurts Like Hell

It hurts…

When it hurts like hell
I tried to overdose
But no amount of medicine,
Can numb the pain inside
Instead it makes you feel worse.

When it hurts like hell
I tried to seek for help
But no human,
Can take away the misery
Instead they break you badly.

When it hurts like hell
I ran to him
But not even love,
Can heal the wounds in your sorrow
Instead it lesion even more.

When it hurts like hell
I killed myself
But not even death,
Can handle my heavy baggage
Instead it denied my soul.

When it hurts like hell
I finally gave up
For hell seem even better
Because this nightmare is curse too
And can’t escape from yourself

I let it hurt like hell

White Morning

I lay awoke to the white morning
With tears flowing like cloudy sky
Heart breaking so loud like thunder
I felt my body melting away
And my soul turning into ashes
My spirit dematerialize
My memory turned into pain
And you faded away like magic
The morning sun ray stole your smile
The ray light encouraged my depression
And it reminded me that pain is real
Even when love is there to take care
It cannot heal the wounds deep inside
So I held my breathe till forever
To die instantly on the white morning.

©Kitty Minaj