I’ll Never Be Okay

I walk around with a wounded mind
Over-analyzing the smallest task
And sacrificing my purest heart
To a world of cruelest doom
Misunderstood by my own people
Broken by the one I love most
And hurt by life itself
Abandon by my greatest demons
Left alone with just pain and scars
The devil is no where to be found
When darkness filled my soul
Who can I be when I’m broken?
Where can I run when I’m alone?
How do I breath in the dark?
What happened to love being a savor?
Is love a lie?
Where hope is all lost
And no direction to move forward
Knowing I’ll never be okay
Do I accepting my faith
Or keep hurting?

©Kitty Minaj

I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Migraine

Like a devil torturing my skull
With a hammer banging my left side
Feeling every pain run through my head
Causing the blurriness of my eyes
And the tasteless of my tongue
Enabled the feeling of vomiting
My face felt so numb
Yet the discomfort of my tears couldn’t be ignored
When my heart broke apart
Because of the sickness that’s always around
For a moment anxiety refused to let me be
And life’s unfairness put me to stress
And today I woke up with migraine
The most painful feeling of them all
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy
For in that moment death is all you think of

©Kitty Minaj

Falling Apart

I woke up with a smile
Even though I couldn’t breath
I managed to get up
When my chest was weighing on me
The bath tub filled up with tears
Because I couldn’t hold back the pain
The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me
Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul
When the mask trembled down
I couldn’t share a smile
For what lurks deep inside
Is breaking me apart
And knowing that I can’t fix it
Makes my whole life a misery
So I went back to sleep
And watch my days turned into nights
With no one asking if I am alright
Had to tell myself that it’s okay
Alone and depress I’ll always be
This is a life I was meant to live
But I can’t help falling apart

©Kitty Minaj

June Stress

Dear June,
I woke up with my head blocked out
And my eyes swollen from tears
My heart worn out from all the pain
Blood boiling cold numbing my skin
Enabling all the emotions back
The questions of 'what if?' But mostly 'why?'
Crumble deep inside my bones
With the fear of the future
Lurking in the depth of my spine
The pain of tomorrow being worse than today
Seemed to be the stress I always face,
But cannot seem to disappear in my vains
For time makes every situation complicated
And stress seem to only be multiple
As I begged for freedom
From thinking of all my pain
And June stress to just go away.

Stressed out
Lee

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Best Friend

Like a lightning ray clamming from afar
I wished for a shooting star
A wish that could redeem my heart
A soul that could save my life
An extra breath that could warm my skin
A truest life that consume my loneliness
But like a star it’s out of my reach
A distant faith I longed to have 
But a cursed soul I remain alone
With no smile to share the scars
No laughter to endorse the silence
Enchanted a broken love it is
Tears rejoiced my twisted faith
Walls filled my unspoken words
Pain took over my darkest world
Demons became my remedy
A best friend I longed to have
Is a shadow that left my sight.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

April Feel…

April feel
My brain soaking under water
Struggling to not give up
But overwhelmed with circumstances

April feel
My back against the wall of needles
Struggling to carry all the baggage
Alone, for no body seem to care

April feel
My heart silently break apart
Struggling to mend it’s own faith
For life is too much to bare

April feel
My soul is drowning
Struggling to breathe
Crowded by pain and suffering

April feel
All that I am but cannot be
For every step I take is a struggle
For life always knocks me deep down.

©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj