I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Alone In July

Alone in July
Oh,how I wish I could die
Wrapped my self in these blanket
For the cold of loneliness has occupied my space
It froze my bleeding heart
Causing it to hurt my chest,
Numb my body became
Yet my inside felt so much pain
Like a million needles inside,
Oh, how I wish I could scream
But what's the point when no one can hear?
For even the the demons are no where
My soul is not just broken but demolished
With no one to love, no one to care
Alone with this pain and wounds that won't heal
Surrounded by depression, trauma filled my aching head
Abandon by anxiety to migraine hell
A place of sickness and torture
Helpless as I realize I am truly alone
Dead I feel yet I am still breathing,
Alone in July

©Kitty Minaj


Emptiness Warm My Heart

Emptiness warm my heart
Fill my soul with self-love
And a free-spirited vibe
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have been ripped apart
Tortured and abused by life
That’s why I am broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
Steal away the trauma in my brain
That enabled the smile to fade away
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
From the coldness of my mental illness
And the bitterness of hurtful pills
Refusing to restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
When I am filling the sea with tears
And screaming for help in the dark
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have suffered, it’s enough!
Plead me to freedom, I beg
To restore what’s broken inside

©Kitty Minaj

Falling Apart

I woke up with a smile
Even though I couldn’t breath
I managed to get up
When my chest was weighing on me
The bath tub filled up with tears
Because I couldn’t hold back the pain
The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me
Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul
When the mask trembled down
I couldn’t share a smile
For what lurks deep inside
Is breaking me apart
And knowing that I can’t fix it
Makes my whole life a misery
So I went back to sleep
And watch my days turned into nights
With no one asking if I am alright
Had to tell myself that it’s okay
Alone and depress I’ll always be
This is a life I was meant to live
But I can’t help falling apart

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj

Dispirited

Growing up was hard but I was always cheerful. I had so much hope for the future. I thought this won’t last forever and I believed that tomorrow is going to be better. I used to cry at night ever since I was 9 and the only thing that kept me going was my own motivation; I’d look at myself in the mirror so confused, not knowing why I have to face all this pain and all I could say to my reflection was, ‘Everything is going to be okay, you’ll be fine Lydia. You be fine I promise.’

13 years later, is no difference. The pain has got even more worse and it’s hard to motivate my self or stay positive. Guess negativity filled my sorrow. I am not cheerful about the future in fact I am more terrified, I don’t want to see tomorrow because I believe it’s going to be worse than today. I can feel my wisdom fading painful away with regards of being a saint. I did everything right in this world, I was a good girl but why am I being punished, I have no idea.

I no longer cry everyday at night, because tears hurt so much. But I still cry a lot though, I even break down in malls or taxi or in the middle of my loved ones. I can no longer hold it inside and I can’t fake it either, the mask is no longer strong enough. I’ve lost the girl I was and was meant to be. Every hope and dreams I had is just down the drain. Drowning in my sorrow. I can’t help my self even if I try. The pains is much stronger. The wounds are deeper. My life is not moving, it’s currently critically stable. I have no idea how to deal with it.

My soul is suffering. Everyday I am challenge with a new sickness, an unknown sickness. I have to see doctors and sleep in hospitals without getting any better. My body would shut down, I’d collapse, shiver all the time or just be out of breath, painful headache, chest burn, stomach cramps or aching joints, whole body aching, mind going blank, loss of memory and aching mind, yet all the doctors just say that I am fine, they see nothing, it’s just anxiety, I’m just stressed. How am I not allowed to be stress if I feel everything in me hurting?

I knew this year wouldn’t be my year. I made a vow to kill myself before new year 2020 but because mom was around, all I could think of was that she was going to die too. So I stayed alive because I though I was strong enough more than mom but my strength is gone and I believe I wasn’t meant to be alive. I was blessed with grate parents and an amazing boyfriend whose always there yet being around them haunts me so much. They can’t help me, and that makes me so sad. I can’t explain to them what the hell is going on because I also don’t know either.

My parents says I am curse, I am starting to believe them but who would want to see me suffer and why would they bewitch me? I am just a nobody and I don’t have anybody but tree people. These past weeks have been seriously hard and I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. I need rest. I pushed away my parent because I can’t bother them anymore. I am constantly fighting with my boyfriend everyday because I don’t trust myself. I am literally going insane and my mental pills are hurting my brain.

I am trying and I tried. But this life doesn’t seem to accommodate me. I am not going to try and kill myself no more. I am going to live and feel the pain I’ll let it hurt as I lock myself indoors and hope to desiccate. This life is strange and hard work don’t guarantee success. It’s not what you make of it. It’s what makes of you. I lost me searching for a better me. I’m struggling to breath trying to live. Maybe I am not thinking straight mentally but guess I am just mentally ill. So spare me.

To everyone suffering with mental illness or struggling with life. Just know positivity is good, being negative can only make you feel more insane and sick. Crying everyday, trust me, is not healthy for a mental patient. Don’t lose your PASSION, because it’s the only thing that can make you feel alive and normal. Writing makes feel normal and that’s why I write everyday even if it’s nothing exciting but it excites me. I feel loved and peaceful when I am writing. Secure your passion, it’s the only thing that can help you in this hell-hole.

©Kitty Minaj

Insomnia

When the night falls upon us
And most souls lurks their snore
I lay awake in my sleep
Tossing and turning every second
Like I have bugs in my bed
The demons of the night wrestle my soul
And my mind drowning in thoughts
While my hearts breaking apart
Reminiscing about my struggles
Till my body shut still
Feeling numb yet still in pain
Tears falling like rainfall
Why, filled my mind with anger
Asleep is God upon me
While the devil troubles my sorrow
Depression took away my sleep
Anxiety introduced me to Insomnia
Awake I become during the night
Exhausting my life become each day.

©Kitty Minaj