Mental Health · Motivation

Holding On

It’s like I was born with a broken heart.
Everything I touch shatters into pieces,
With every breath I take, I come apart,
Almost has if I wasn’t meant to live this life,
Like I am trapped in the worst matrix,
Even hell could be better than this,
For the walls keep caving in on me
And the cold keeps surrounding me.
A torture I could not bare but been receiving all my life
A package of unknown sicknesses
And drowning by the pills of all the diagnosis.
I can’t handle the pain of my tears,
Yet I still battle to understand my purpose,
Even when I am stranded alone in the dark
For hope is like love, not easy to let go
Therefore when my days gets darker
I keep holding on
For I know the moon lights the night for a reason
And someday I might find my moon
Or not…
But I’ll keep holding on.

©Kitty Minaj

love · self love

Loved In October

When the rain poured, it rained hard
Suddenly stuck is what you become
For it's hard to hear a soul when thunder strikes loud
And you can't feel nobody when darkness curve in
It's easier to feel alone when all hope is lost
But no matter how bad the rain is, it's also good
It wash away the pain, and fill you with faith
Faith that love is there but scared
It hides away waiting for the storm to fade
Waiting for the right moment to endure
Waiting for October to start raining,
We are loved and mostly by an unknown
Remember that when pain hit your soul
You are loved in this October.
Have Faith in love

©Kitty Minaj

Won’t Miss Tomorrow

I won’t miss tomorrow
For it is not just far and cruel
Yet filled with unknown adventures
That a destined to break my heart

I won’t miss tomorrow
For it scarier than the dark
And you get to watch the knife,
Gets in right through your skin

I won’t miss tomorrow
For it doesn’t know kindness
And it destroys happiness
Leaving me all depressed

I won’t miss tomorrow
For it is worse than today
It trumbles deep into your wounds
Making them hurt even more

I won’t miss tomorrow
For it is full of pain
A battle I always seem to lose
Yet struggles I always gain

I won’t miss tomorrow
For time has proven to not heal
Yet lingers in more damage
That destroyed my faith of living.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · Mental Health

Troubles Never End

I took a leap of faith
And dried my tears
I looked beyond the pain
And consoled my sorrows
I forgave my choices
And celebrated my mistakes
I held my self up
And let go of my regrets
I moved on from the past
And planned my future
I learned to love myself
And I found true love
But all of that couldn’t heal my scars
And my wounds got worser
For trouble never ends.

©Kitty Minaj

Mental Health · Motivation · Writing

Golden August

Dear Golden August

I come to you with a broken heart
No, I mean a broken soul,
For I have a lover with a purest heart
Yet my depression’s trying to tear us apart
I plead to please let me heal
Be kind and restore my sorrow
Make me whole and refill my happiness
For in a few days I will be getting older
And my dreams are slowing fading away
So let me fulfill my goals
And honor my passion
I have so much potential
That is as gold as you, August
And now it hurts to give up
For I am a Leo, a lion
Born to lead and with strength
Witness is not in my blood
So let me face my demon with pride
For gold is meant to shine
And I am not meant to break down
Even with these baggage in my chest
I will try and deal with my pain
This is my special golden month
An opportunity to strive
With positivity and hard work
A boss lady to became
For I am golden
Worthy and strong
Just like you August

Truly golden

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · self love · suicide note · The mask

How Do I Love Me?

How Do I Love Me?
I asked, looking at the reflation of a broken girl
Her eyes blood red
She doesn’t want to be alive

How do I love me?
When I can’t stop the overflowing tears
That comes like a heavy rain
Even when I am very happy

How do I love me?
With all this pain in my chest
And anxiety choking my neck
While depression destroys my brain

How do I love me?
With all the abuses from my past
And voices telling me I am not enough
I’ll never make it alive

How do I love me?
When everytime I wake up with a smile
They throw stones of hate at me
Complaining that I act better than them

How do I love me?
With all the suicidal attempts
Selfishly praying to die
Trying to escape reality

How do I love me?
When you don’t even love me
Hurting me with your lust
And pushing me away with you lie

How do I love me?
When I feel so alone
With no where to hide nor run
And no one to call or talk too

Truth is I do love me?
As me, broken and bruised
Alone and cold with passion
Unloved but alive yet dead inside.

©Kitty Minaj

Depression · Motivation · suicide note · The mask · Writing

Hush Broken, Baby

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Go to bed and close your eyes
I know it’s hard but please just try
Say something postive even if it’s lies

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
You’re feeling outta place and outta mind
Sadly, it won’t get better that’s no lie
But you got to keep going and be kind

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Got to be strong in this cruel world
Even when the robe needs to be tied
Seems like the only way to reach the Lord

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
You can overdose and numb the pain
You’ll just fall alseep but won’t die
Satisfying your suicide thoughts is no gain

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Depression is a phrase and it sucks
Just retreat to your room and outcry
For anxiety is hell but it can bring lucks

Hush broken baby, don’t you cry
Let your hope fly just like a dove
There’s always someone who’s willing to try
To hold you tight and show you love.

©Kitty Minaj

The mask · Writing

April Fool

April, Am I A fool?
For waking up with a smile today
Claiming to be happy and blessed
When it’s just a shitty day
And inside I feel empty and sad

April, Am I A fool?
For puting my faith in March
To help me with my dreams and goals
Did I ask for too much
For now I am shattered and cold

April, Am I A fool?
For believing in my self
Never giving up with so much passion
Now I feel stupid and small like an elf
For I will never succeed in this dimension

April, Am I A fool?
For believing that he loves me
Because he beings me joy and happiness
Where else he just lust me
For he makes me feel sad and worthless

April, Am I A fool?
For thinking I could be loved
Because I am pretty and kind
But everybody wants to leave me caved
And treat me like I am hard to find

April, Am I A fool?
For trusting that I belong here
Utilizing my freedom and skills
But it’s hard to survive when no one’s there
To help the pain that lurks and kills

April, Am I A fool?
For being depressed
Leting anxiety take my breath
Got to let go of the hurt that I expressed
As I write to inspire the one who will read.


Motivation · The mask

Can’t Force Love

For a long time, I’ve struggled with this thing called love to the point that I believed that love was the destroyer of life. I believed that when you’re in love that’s when you get hurt more. But that all changed when I myself fell in love.
I was so depressed at one point and love found me, and made me blossom to a new and awesome environment. I never thought that I could be happy until I saw his face looking back at me. Who knew that a human could make the world a better place, could make life seem exciting and worth living.
But nothing last forever and that’s fact. And what’s more painful is when you’re attached. He fall out of love with me, he started to mistreat me by all means. The paradise I was in become real hell, but I refused to let go and I stack around hoping the devil would change back to being an angel.
I told myself that one-sided love is enough for both of us but that only made me miserable and sad. I lost my self trying to make him love me. And now after all I’ve done and given him, he disappeared with no trace and I was left more broken than I was before. Though that wasn’t loves fault but mine.
I refused to let go when I had too. I lost myself trying to find him back in my life. I forget to love me and put myself first. I lost me and my worth. Love is great but people are not.
We blame love for being blind where-else we choose to be blind to our situation. We prefer comfort over what we really deserve.
And I learn that you can’t force love, that thing works on it’s own with it’s own mind. If it’s not meant to be let it go. Because the only thing you can do is give someone a chance to love you back. Don’t force them to love you. Love yourself enough to be loved back.

Depression · Motivation · The mask · Writing

Believe That It Will Happen

I doubted my self yesterday, I was careful because I believed and was scared that I was going to fall and ops I did fall so hard, to the point that it was hard getting up.
It’s funny how depression could be a blessing and a curse at the same time.
You find your self struggling to make it through a day with the negative thoughts that keeps lurking in; but with depression it allows you to be like, ‘It’s okay everything will be fine eventually, you just got to keep going.’
With the help of my depression, today I woke up feeling really motivated. I understand that mistakes have to be made once in a while, or more for perfection. I understand that I need to fall maybe a million time to finally learn to get up, and stand right and firm.
Time has no limit and it allows you to redo everything all over again. Patience is bliss.
So today, I am going to try and… no I am going to face all of my goals and make them come true. I believe in them as much as they believe in me. I know there is a huge possibility that I might fall but guess what I’ll have to be the judge of that because even when I get down I know at least I tried my best to stay firm. And trying is the greatest success in the whole in tire world.
Therefore when the world seems cold and blur, know that there is always a way to flip a coin. Believe in the vision you need the most, trust that it’ll happen and make it happen. Treat it has a project with deadline and pursue it with a clear mind and an open heart. Because when you believe in it, it eventually comes true.
Be patient
Love Kitty♡