I’m Not Going To Cry…

I’m not going to cry
I deserved it, I deserved it
The endless pain and misery
Who am I to be free?

I’m not going to cry
I caused it, I caused it
The hatred and the loneliness
Who am I to be loved?

I’m not going to cry
I forced it,I forced it
To live in sadness and fear
Who am I to be happy?

I’m not going to cry
I earned it, earned it
The depression and the vicious sicknesses
Who am I to be well?

I am not going to cry
I’ll end it, I’ll end it
My life with pills and poison
Who am I to be alive?

©Kitty Minaj

Birthday Dilemma

Dear Birthday 
I can see the candles
But I am not ready to age
My life's been out of touch
A series of disappointments and pain
A movie of mental health struggles
A battle to live vs to die
A jungle of endless sorrows,
A birthday is a day for happiness
How can I be happy when my world's on fire
How do I pretend when trauma hurts,
And all my dreams haunts my reality
Who am I to be free
And who am I to be celebrated
I just don't want to see tomorrow
I am sorry Birthday
I am not ready to face another year of misery.

©Kitty Minaj

Emptiness Warm My Heart

Emptiness warm my heart
Fill my soul with self-love
And a free-spirited vibe
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have been ripped apart
Tortured and abused by life
That’s why I am broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
Steal away the trauma in my brain
That enabled the smile to fade away
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
From the coldness of my mental illness
And the bitterness of hurtful pills
Refusing to restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
When I am filling the sea with tears
And screaming for help in the dark
To restore what’s broken inside

Emptiness warm my heart
I have suffered, it’s enough!
Plead me to freedom, I beg
To restore what’s broken inside

©Kitty Minaj

Falling Apart

I woke up with a smile
Even though I couldn’t breath
I managed to get up
When my chest was weighing on me
The bath tub filled up with tears
Because I couldn’t hold back the pain
The stranger in the mirror reflecting on me
Couldn’t comfort my grieving soul
When the mask trembled down
I couldn’t share a smile
For what lurks deep inside
Is breaking me apart
And knowing that I can’t fix it
Makes my whole life a misery
So I went back to sleep
And watch my days turned into nights
With no one asking if I am alright
Had to tell myself that it’s okay
Alone and depress I’ll always be
This is a life I was meant to live
But I can’t help falling apart

©Kitty Minaj

Merge Me, May

I am falling apart
With these scars in my heart
And my knees on the ground
My head smashed on the floor
Trying to understand my flaws
Yet struggling to subtain my breath
Was I really meant to be alive?
When death mock me and life hurt me
How do I really numb the pain?
Of yesterday that was stolen by wounds
And tomorrow that is taken by fear
In this soul I can not run
For there is no soul that could save me
Therefore my sorrow weights on me
Nothing I could do for tears burns me up
So I seek for you, May
To merge and restore what’s broken inside
And give me a purpose to get off the couch
And smile for the sun that shines even in winter
For no matter how dead I feel inside

Mom, needs me to be alive.

©Kitty Minaj

Best Friend

Like a lightning ray clamming from afar
I wished for a shooting star
A wish that could redeem my heart
A soul that could save my life
An extra breath that could warm my skin
A truest life that consume my loneliness
But like a star it’s out of my reach
A distant faith I longed to have 
But a cursed soul I remain alone
With no smile to share the scars
No laughter to endorse the silence
Enchanted a broken love it is
Tears rejoiced my twisted faith
Walls filled my unspoken words
Pain took over my darkest world
Demons became my remedy
A best friend I longed to have
Is a shadow that left my sight.

©Kitty Minaj

Accepting My Pain

Dear April,
I thought I could be the person I was meant to be but life is so hard.
And it so cruel. I do not know what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering. Every day when I wake up, I have to drag my self out of bed because I'd rather sleep forever. And I tried hiding the pain by looking good outside but these days it's hard to even pretend.
I did all I could to be normal. To live a life that is worth living. I set goals, dressed to kill and I mastered all my skills. I also followed all my dreams. I became the person I wanted to be and yet I failed at everything.
But you know everything about my horror and you know that I never gave up even when I said I will.
Today my soul is exhausted and I have no strength left in me. Love couldn't safe me instead it broke my mind with confusion. Love is unkind and selfish.
I can't pretend no more. I can't feel no more. And I am always scared not only of the unknown but scared of myself. I feel trapped and all that surrounds me is pain. My body and my spirit aches every night and day.
And no pill or drug or human can ease it.
So all I do is wake up on a couch the whole day, eating and sleeping waiting for my death.

Hard work is not an answer, for no matter how passionate or driven you are, when you not meant to be happy failure will always strike you hard.

But don't worry April, I found peace and I am letting go of everything. And I am letting go of me too. There is nothing I can do, time couldn't avenge me.

Forgive me, guess I wasn't strong enough.
But what do you do when you're 10 fit under in a cube so dark that have no doors or windows with all of your strength gone??
©Kitty Minaj

Broken Anxiety

I wanted to write my heart out
But my watery eyes couldn’t see a thing
My shakey hands couldn’t hold a pen
And my breaking heart couldn’t express it’s self.
All I could do, is cry dead to a selfish life
As I lay down on the cold hands of the floor
Feeling the aching twitch of my veins
And the trembling pain of my body
As I try to acknowledge my broken soul

©Kitty Minaj

If The Walls Had A Heart

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my innocence
When I grew to be hated
Confused and asking why to the room

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my anger
Of redemption that I never got
From the God I prayed for help

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my pain
Of all that I been through
Failing to heal the wounds

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my need
To escape this cruel world
One suicide attempt after another

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my resentment
Trying to learn how to forgive
By blaming my self for everything

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel the hurt
That love filled me with
While hitting me to the walls

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my soul
How truly broken I am
But always faking my strength

If the walls had a heart
They’ll feel my heart break apart
As the world curse me with mental illness
And unloved I felt with so many questions

©Kitty Minaj

Wrinkle In Time

Trapped by my own mind
When life became unkind
I was broken inside
Nothing in my life was right
My world was falling apart
Humanity continued to rip my heart
I had no where to run
Got to pull a trigger in this gun
For time couldn’t heal my pain
Wounds was all I could gain
Rapped by my own fears
Drowning in my own tears
Scotch by expectations
Wrinkled was the situation
A life in darkness
I remained in my own nest
Being alive felt like a crime
Wrinkle was my time

©Kitty Minaj