The beautiful morning air, choke
A lullaby from the colorful birds, stroke
The warmth of yesterday vanished
And the presence of today aches
As the fireworks of the season trembles
For the futures promises sorrow.
December came without an invite
It crumbled along side fear
Fear I can't let go, no matter what
For it is stuck onto my path
And I can't be freed from the horror of tomorrow...
Will I break?
If I decide to forgive
Not just me but everyone
Including love for everything he did and will still do
Will I break?
If I stripped down naked
And he sees all he wanted to see
Including the flaws and insecurities
Will I break?
If I let him mend my broken heart
Trusting he won’t break it more
As I let him see my vulnerability
Will I break?
If I just love him without fear
Being all that he needs and wants
And never expecting his love back
Will I break?
If I just put my trust in him
And never doubt his love
Yet appreciate all his effort and the years
Will I break?
If I just forget about this question
Because he knows my issues yet his still here
Imperfect yet he holds me like a goddess.
I am glad to see you, January. You’ve always been the better month of them all and I am delighted that you’re here. It’s a new year and I am so pleased to have been granted a chance to be here. To make new choices and discover more about myself and who I am meant to be. But I am so worried about the next chapter…
I never thought that I would write the same things I wrote in the past year but I am worried. This should be a writing about the excitement of the new year but instead I am writing about what’s depressing me lately. Change is always been challenging. It’s just hard. I am scared of it. I don’t want to change but I have to.
Everything around me is changing, the beauty of the flower I used to love, the youth of my own parents, the eyes of my own reflections, the heart of my lover and the actions of all the people I used to know. The most terrifying change of all is the growth of my age.
I love who I was before and I still do but does independence comes with a notebook or request because somehow I feel like I need to change who I am just so I can fit in into the dynamite? What is change exactly, is it the format of changing who you are for a better new you or is it the format of changing what’s around you to accommodate your own desires?
I am worried to take the next step in life because I don’t want to be hurt no more. And I’m worried that also me being worried could result in me hurting my faith and self even more. Therefore what do I do when the cruelty of not knowing troubles my soul.
January, I pled to you to help me figure out the way forward. I need to move on in this musty road I face. I hope you’ll be there to guard me and help me through.
And please help everyone make better choice for this new year. Let everyone enjoy with love and success. And please, January, deal with covid-19, his trying to possess our lives, make a plan to stop his evil plans.
Love new year.
To My Unborn Child
I don’t know why you had to leave so soon. If you went ready, you shouldn’t have came because now I have fallen in love with you. I know it’s so soon but I have longed for the day that I’ll get to hold you, see your pretty face and your tiny body. I swear I would have loved you more than anything in this world. Because I already did.
I apologize if my womb wasn’t comfortable for you. Maybe you would’ve stayed. I’m a messed up being and that I know, honey I’m broken and i dont know how to deal with that. You felt that, maybe that’s why you left. You couldn’t bare the pain of being with me and so is your dad and everyone I know.
I am unloved but I know how to love, and I loved you so much without even seeing your face. The morning sicknesses wasn’t easy to deal with, the laziness, the stomach cramp, back pain and feeling bloated was crazy for me but it was worth it. My mind was set on seeing you. And I wished you could have waited abit longer.
I wish you gave me a chance. To be a better person and an awesome mom. I believe you were my pain relief, I thought I’d learn the unconditional love. I was ready to make you happy, I was ready to do anything for you. Kill for you, bend and break for you, love and hate for you. Do everything and anything just to see you smile and be truly happy.
I was ready. I was ready for you. I don’t have much to give but I was going to spoil you so much. Feed you all the sugars in the world, I’m joking about that, but all I am trying to say is that I was ready to give you what you need, this and that expect for sugar. I was ready to see you grow into a man or woman you wish to be. And I vowed that I’ll support you in any dream you have, cause I remember having crazy dreams that were smart and all I needed was support.
Maybe I wished to much and you couldn’t bare it. Sad thing is that I already visualized you and how you’d be. And I felt you’d be like your dad but with my mindset. Have his hazel eye lens but the shape be mine. Have my smile and his attitude. Be optimistic like him yet kind like I am. Have my legs and a body like his. Be light skinned like him and bold like me. Be a dreamer like me and a hustler like both of us.
I hope you’re just as I imagine. I’m sorry we couldnt meet in person. And i am not mad that you couldnt stay even though i dont understand. I feel like its my fault. If it is, then I apologize for everything. I wish you gave me a chance. Just one chance. It’s okay now. Yet it hurts. Especially when months pass by and knowing anytime soon, you would be here yet you not.
I’ll miss you. Sucks that I didn’t even get a chance to see if you had a huge head like your father. I hope not. Your name will remain yours. For you were not a mistake. That’s why losing you hurts so much because I have lost a part of me and that is you. My world is collapsing just thinking of you and what you could’ve been. The me i couldn’t be. Rest In Peace My Baby, let your spirit be with me forever. For I’ll never forget you and who you were suppose to be.
Love, Your Unseen Mom
Life is hard, no kidding.
The moment we were born, we’re expected to face life like it’s just a walk in a park even thought in that situation we can barely walk. You see, how life is? One is expected to do something while they can’t do anything. Example, I am expected to breath through the blockage in my throat and the baggage in my chest but fact is I can’t breathe. And reality is that I have to battle with that not even everyday but every time I try to think.
Just a thought, could lend me to the floor struggling to gasp for that air. And when I inhale that little oxygen, the moment I try to exhale the carbon dioxide I’d be tortured. The gas will weaken my lungs and burn my chest while my heart beats fast trying to save it’s own soul. When you’re about to give up, anxiety decide to let you be.
A baby cries when they are born because of the discomfort of another dimension, different place or setting is really terrifying; they don’t know the aspects they about to face and they don’t know nor understand why they have to be removed from there comfort zone. Comfort is safe and the unknown is scary. But life is not like that, it’s a roller coaster they say, in fact it’s like a game for me.
Life is a game because there are a lot of stages we have to go through, and each stage gets harder and harder, and never easier. Trust me. If someone told you that life gets easier with time, they lied big time, because time is just growth and experience. It has nothing to do with life. If so, don’t you think that our elders would be living their best life, rich or poor, they’ll be celebrating their rewards.
Life is different and upsetting; because we are going through a lot and most of our pain is really deep. Sad thing is that we don’t know why we’re going through what we’re going through: did we do something wrong that now we’re punished for or are we cursed? Confusing because some of us the pain never disappear, from stage to stage the pain continues like our purpose in life is to bare pain.
The unknown is what makes things very hard about living this life. This life is precious I must state, very precious filled with amazing wonders and experiences. We have been granted the gift to learn and explore the beauty of life. With blessing comes a curse, when push comes a shave and the world seem to sit on your shoulder, can’t help but break down and wish life had a handbook or something you can refer to for answers.
Just imagine how easy life would be if we had a book to refer for answers. When we have questions like why am I dark and my friend is light, why am I born in this family and why do I have low blood etc etc. It would be so much easier to be who we wish to be because at that point we would know exactly what our purpose in life is. Sadly that’s a myth.
Life is hard and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is master our patience and have faith in our hearts. Love, as much as it hurts it’s a blessing and a drug of life, it fills us up with passion and happiness. So hold on to that love, but only the kind of love that transform your heart and consume your mind with anger and pleasure. And that can also be self-love.
It’s hard to overcome pain, especially when it’s emotional and mental pain. It’s life, lets accept it, we don’t choose the book cover of our story but all we can do is just write it. We are given a choice to narrate our lives. Destiny depend on us even though faith is what we can’t rewrite nor change. Life is hard and we’re strong therefore lets keep breathing till the end. I wish you well, and I hope you will rewrite your book of life with strength and positivity.
The colours of love
Shines deep in your eyes
The diamond in the sky
Flourish through your heart
Red was a promise
But it always made me cry
So you painted the sky blue
For me to let go of my baggage up high.
Green was the colour of your spirit
Filled with the goodness of life
But your pain, you couldn’t hide
Yellow led me through your soul
But it sucks I couldn’t heal your sorrow
Yet you still held me in the dark
Somehow black became the colour of our love
It brought us peace and underatanding
Pink became our commitment,
To each other’s downfall.
Till we danced to the lime rhythm
And white filled our floor
That’s when you said, ‘I owe you forever’
And thats when i said, ‘Forever is colourless’
You said, ‘Forget the colour because love is blurry’
Guess thats why we’re floating on the clouds now
Making vows with our bodies
And peace to our imperfections
Love is indeed color blind
And it is up to up to fill it up with colours
Shade every part with truth of relations
Colourless that’s the colour of love.
The morning was still And my mind went blank My heart couldn't feel When the silence clank The world felt unreal Like everything was just a prank Felt so weak I saw myself keel Took me long, to know this is real Paraffin look good I took a drank Still felt numb like a steel Crazy how love can be crack Wondering if you feel what I feel. ©Kitty Minaj
The ground disintegrates to his shock And I couldn't understand the stumble I lost sleep when the night falls Couldn't explain my worries That made me sob to the moon Which told me about the storm But couldn't explain the waves in my heart And the shivers of my cold blood So I lay awake to your thoughts Your abandonment I couldn't solve Til I woke up to your call Of your voice trembling like tress And rushing like the wind Your words I didn't enjoy For They darken my day And weaken my spirit For love was behind the cell. ©Kitty Minaj
Dear Diary Today,
I Feel like being naughty
And write naughty things.
But truth is, I am so emotional and hurt.
For i have left the only piece that filled my heart
To see mom but I am falling apart
Without him by my side
It hurts more as I am laying in his bed side
Reminiscing while naked and sad
Sniffing in the scent of us making love
This morning on our couch
I swear I don't wanna ever wash my thingi
For the scent of our sex is power
But not powerful enough to bring you close
And that killed me alive,
I miss you and that's a fact
Hit me up, don't let it mute.
As i rub my vagina with my hand
And cover my nose
Then close my eyes and sniffed it all night
And that made you feel close.
Love Kitty Minaj
By kitty Minaj