Blaming Yourself.

When I was young nobody liked me, they always treated me horribly bad and I couldn’t understand why. So instead I blamed it on Me, I felt like there was something wrong with me and that made me a free spirit child because I forgot about everybody else and tried to better myself.

But then growth took its cost and the world seemed a little different. Different perspective and philosophy. My misunderstanding of not being understood made me feel outlandish. I felt so distant to the world and life it self. So alone and depressed.

The cruelty of life was really brutal that I couldn’t make my self better no more. And when depression striked so hard, my only escape was by blaming everyone. And that became a habit that I couldn’t control cause it made more sense.

I blamed my parents for giving birth to me. I blame the community for not trying to understand me. I blame all the kids that made fun of me. Mostly I blamed God for everything. And i was always in tears when I asked him why he made me like this. Why he gave me such a bad life.

Life became really hard. Tears everyday. Even when I was in class I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt so alone. I felt really invisible. I felt like I was suffocating in the middle of every crowd but no one noticed. And from that moment I truly believed that nightmares do exist in reality. I was better sleeping than awake.

Life got harder each day. Therapy was a waste of time. Things changed, I had a dream of me when I was young. I was reminded of the child that was so misunderstood and that child didn’t blame no body instead she felt like the problem was her. I woke up in tears. Remembering the freedom I had when I was trying to make my self better. Trying to be loved.

I got up and prayed, ‘hey Jesus, It’s me again. I’m sorry for yelling at you everyday, for not understanding…well for being impatient. See I don’t know if you exist or not, from today I’ll stop asking why or blame you for the world’s cruelty. If you exist though, I’m sorry to say this. Good bye.’ I cried.

I cried all day because I finally took responsible for all the wrongs in my life. It was all my fault. No body loves because of me, I’m not loveable. I was born because somehow I was the sperm that raced/rushed to the egg. If I can better myself, maybe people will understand me. People will adore me.

I woke the next day and trust me from that moment…I never cried. Only cried when something bad happened physically. Or when i failed or was rejected. Blaming myself worked pretty well. It took all the pain and made it a problem, and each problem had a solution that I was able to fix.

I’m not a happy person. But I am blessed to be alive. Sometimes I do wish to die when life gets hard but I’m human. And I’m selfish at times. It’s important to blame your self in order to heal, It’s completely not your fault but to avoid complication, your responsible for every doing in your life.

Blame yourself in order to better your life. In order to learn how to love the real you.

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